when is a good time.....



ok. so i'm coming up on my first anniversary with my fab husband. and so the discussion has begun. to have or not to have....children/child. at first this wasn't a delema because when i first met michael 2 years ago, he said "i am perfectly happy with ainsley and i don't need to have my own child to be happy with us as a family". cool. i didn't have any problem with that. then, michael met my friends and their children. some he was down with, others scared the semen right out of him. and then there was max. michael fell in love with max and that day he decided that he wanted a kid. but not now and not next year but later. I AIN'T NO DAMN SPRING CHICKEN! that was my response to his comments. and we have gone back and forth on this one. i say if we are going to do it, we need to do it soon, because i don't like the age thing. too many issues as you get older. i had enough issues at 24. 34 is another story. so now we are stuck trying to make this decision. and i hate it. i hate it because i'm too fucking scared to be pregnant again. no doctor can convince me that i'd be ok because they don't call the shots. and i have to think of ainsley. i have to be there for her and if i want another child, i have to think about not being able to be there for her if they put me on bedrest. does this make sense to anyone else. and i feel like an ass because i don't feel like i REALLY want to be pregnant. i could go either way and i don't think that is fair. not that we got pregnant i wouldn't be all into it. but i feel like if i don't REALLY want to do it, i shouldn't make the leap. but i also feel like once i made it past 30 weeks i'd be ok. but that is a long damn time to be worried. i guess i'm not ready yet if i still feel this weird about it.....we still have time. i just need to not be afraid of the bedrest and complications that may arise. maybe i should just see a perinatologist and get the whole picture painted out for me.....what to do.....what to do......